FortyFive.

Bleeding Heart.

Could you imagine me having one?

Me neither.

However, much to my surprise and I'm sure to yours as well, I've got one.

I never really thought about that, or even used the words in a sentence before. I mean, I've heard the saying, I just never made the connection or thought that it applied to me. Last night though, at dinner, an old man came in to the restaurant and was sat in a booth right next to us... and he was alone. I looked at my mom and she just sighed and asked "Do you want to go and sit with him?" I almost did. My cousin was surprised that I cared, and that's how the whole conversation of 'bleeding hearts' came about.

Ever since I was a little kid I've felt bad for homeless people, people with disabilities, and the majority of old people I see alone.

(All I have to do is look at my mom and she knows exactly what's about to happen. For some reason I just get really upset. And if she sees them before I do, she either tells me not to look, or distracts me.)

Why?

I have no idea. Whenever I see homeless people I feel compelled to feed them. I've stopped in the middle of traffic on a busy highway to give a homeless man McDonalds before. I even made my friend give a homeless man five dollars in the bronx a month ago because I didn't have my wallet on me. When I was younger I joined the YMCA and helped out with the Special Olympics-and when I have time now, I still volunteer. I know these things aren't my problem, but I feel like I have to help them because if I don't, who will?

Clearly, I'm in the wrong profession. I should be doing social work, or running a homeless shelter or something. But where do I start?

I'm not sure just yet, but watch out world.

"There is a kind of elevation which does not depend on fortune; it is a certain air which distinguishes us, and seems to destine us for great things; it is a price which we imperceptibly set upon ourselves." - Francois De La Rochefoucauld

FortyFour.

Change... is like the wind.

The other day one of my friends told me I've changed. I asked him how so? And he said he didn't know, but I was different. At first I just brushed it aside because he's the kind of guy that just says things to see if he can get a rise out of you. I assumed he was just being himself and went about my business. I am who I am, who I've always been... I thought.

Today I was talking to... an old friend and as the conversation went on, I realized he was right. I have changed. I'm not the same person I was last year, and last year I wasn't the same person as I was the year before. I guess when you go through a lot of things in a little bit of life, they shape you and mold you and sometimes it prevents you from staying the same.

When I was 16 I had heart surgery and I died. I had an out of body experience and everything, and when the surgery was over the doctor said he had to put my heart into arrhythmia to find the problem. I almost left with a pacemaker. I guess it was too much to handle and for a few brief moments my heart stopped.

When I was 18, the love of my life left me to go to boot camp. At the time that was the worst experience of my life. 3 months without talking and only the occasional letter, I didn't think I'd survive. When I was 21, he left again to go to war and I didn't know if he was going to come back. 8 months of worrying, a handful of phone calls, and a few e-mails made that take the number one spot in the list of worst events in my life.

And, when I was 22, I walked away from the one thing I thought I needed more than anything in the entire world. At the time it was horrible and heartbreaking, yes. But I was ok. I'm ok now.

I know now that no matter what gets thrown at me, or how tough a situation gets, or how painful something is... it's temporary and I'm going to be fine.

So I guess if by change he meant grew a thicker skin, got a bigger heart, found a stronger will, then he was spot on. If by change he meant that I became more aware of what's important, what I want, and what deserve, then he was 100% right.

Change isn't a bad thing as long as you stay true to yourself.

Give big, Love big, Live big.

If it changes you, let it.

If it changes someone else,

even better.

Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you. -Dr. Seuss.

FortyThree.

Stupid.

We all do stupid things at some point in our lives. Some people do them more than others, but that's not the point right now. No matter how careful you are, how safe you play the game, how many times you go over the steps in your head, eventually you're going to mess up.

Truth be told, it's not that big of a deal... as long as you get back up and dust yourself off. As long as you give it another try, who cares? Sure, people will probably judge you, but that's all the more reason to get up and prove them wrong. If you stay down, then you're just proving them right.

And trust me, it's not the end of the world. It may seem like it at the moment, but be realistic. Do you know anyone who's died from embarrassment or a broken heart?

I didn't think so.

Mistakes.

Well, we all know I've made my fair share. And look at me? I'm not laying on the ground feeling bad for myself. I know that if I do that, then everyone else is right. And I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm too stubborn to let someone ever tell me "I told you so."

Currently, I'm finding myself getting attached to the wrong person. Stupid, I know. Mistakes are stupid, and when you look back at them they were totally avoidable. The thing is, you never realize that until it's too late. So what's the point of reliving what you could have done over and over again until it makes you crazy?

You can't live in a world of what if's. What if this, and what if that. What if? Well does it really matter because you are where you are and you can't just climb in your time machine and relive that moment again and again and change different details until it fits the perfect 'what if' situation.

The problem here is everyone needs to get with it and live in the now because if you keep thinking about the past you're going to miss the future.

It's OK to mess up once in a while. It gives you a chance to learn and a chance to get back on track. Who doesn't need a wake-up call every once in a while?

"If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down." -Mary Pickford.

FortyTwo.

Goodbyes.

Goodbyes make up a good part of your life. Some hurt more than others. Some hurt so bad you don't know what you're going to do with yourself, or how you'll go on from that very moment when you were hit hard with a low blow and all the air was knocked out of your lungs so you couldn't breathe. Some are welcomed, almost a relief. And then some just happen, because you really don't have any other choice.

I've had my fair share of goodbyes, who hasn't? And yes, a few of them broke my heart so badly that I left some pieces behind, but I'm still breathing.

I realized not too long ago that pain is temporary. Sure, I've heard that saying before. "Pain is temporary." "Pain is weakness leaving the body." I spent a whole five years of my life almost attached to the military so I've heard it all, but a couple of years ago I actually grasped the meaning of it. No matter how bad something is or how painful something may be, it wont last forever. I know that at times things seem like they'll never get better and there's just no end in sight, but even though you might not be able to see it, you're already half way there.

The thing about goodbyes is that they keep coming. They're relentless. Some hit harder than others just like any other opponent. You just have to figure out how to handle them. It's easier to turn a goodbye into a new beginning than it is to turn it into something you dwell on forever.

You can't be afraid of a new hello because of the pain from an old goodbye.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." - Dr. Seuss =)

FortyOne.

People.

I was just looking through old pictures I found and I laughed to myself for hours. I may have hated North Carolina with a passion but I did have a lot of good times there. Had I never moved there I would have missed out on having a lot of great memories with people I'll never forget. (i.e., Wilmington, Barney's.)

You meet so many people in your life time. Some are just people you meet once in passing, some are aquaintances. Then there are some that from the very moment you meet them, you know they belong in your life. And each and every one of them changes you, be it a slight change or a drastic change.

The funny thing about meeting so many people is sometimes you don't know how much they mean to you until you're apart. That whole 'You don't know what you've got til it's gone' thing is true. Sure, I loved my friends while I was in NC, but now that we're scattered across the US, I miss them terribly. I miss the late nights, random road trips, everything. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends here but it's not the same. I was a different person in North Carolina, and I owe that change to them. They made me stronger, and made me realize I deserved to be happy. If it wasn't for one of them in particular, I might still be miserable living a life I hated.

So all in all, it may have been one thing that brought us together, but it's a dozen things that keep us connected. And even though many of us have broken free from what brought us together in the first place, we still remain linked by the bonds we've made over time, wounds, loves, success and failures. And I wouldn't hesitate to get on a plane and run to any of them if they needed me.