Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes

Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes, but I'll work it out...

Friday, December 25, 2009



The Good.

They are the only people you can love and hate at the same time. They drive you crazy and push you to the edge, and right when you're ready to jump, they throw you a lifesaver. It's almost like they're not really trying to save you. It's more like they're trying to keep you around because if they don't, who will they torture?

As crazy as they may make me, I'm thankful for every one of them. For all of the years of getting tied up, beat up, blamed for things I didn't do, and duck taped to things (like walls, and red wagons, or skateboards, or tree houses)... All of the Sunday dinners with inappropriate conversations, and making fun of eachother until we cried from laughing... I have a million memories that will make me smile forever. I wouldn't have it any other way.

The Bad.

Dysfunctional is a normal description for 80% of families out there. Mine could be the poster family for the word. Someone is always fighting with someone else. The usual pre-holiday conversation is "So who isn't coming this year?" I understand that everyone can't agree all of the time, but let's be a little understanding and compassionate around birthdays and holidays. And maybe before jumping to conclusions we could ask questions as to avoid miscommunications. When it comes down to it, the more you fight, the more you can see just how important you are to someone.

If someone fights with you on a regular basis, or makes a big deal out of nothing, or nit picks until you're in an argument.... I'm sorry to say this but they don't really care all that much. In any relationship, be it family, friends, or loves, communication is key. If someone isn't considerate enough to make communication a priority, then they're not important enough to be any of your concern.

The Ugly.

There will always be one or two people in your family, or in any family, who have their priorities mixed up. Or maybe they're delusional, or think they're better than everyone else. Whatever the case may be, there's always someone who is the root of the problem. You can't spend your time being upset about it, or dwelling on it because it's not your fault. And no matter what you do, or what you say to them, or how many times you try to get through to them, they just wont hear it. They're not listening. And if they are, they don't hear you because they're right and you're wrong and that's just the way it is.

I haven't talked to my grandmother since I was fifteen years old. She missed my sweet 16, my graduation from high school, the start of college, and my wedding. She wasn't around for a lot of milestones in my life. And she'll never be able to fix that. Why? Because when I was fifteen I had to choose between her and my dad. What adult makes a child do that? For a long time I was hung up on it and it bothered me to the point where I'd have nightmares about it. Recently, however, I've realized that that's a waste of my time. I'm the better person here, clearly, and I can't let that hang heavy on my mind anymore.

People make mistakes, and that is their fault. If they don't want to fix it, then that's also their fault. You can't let it bother you or you'll find yourself stuck against a wall.

The Good.

In the end, you have to focus on the good. Everything else is what it is and is better just left alone.

In the end, all we have is each other, and that's enough for me.

Family quarrels are bitter things. They don't go by any rules. They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Merry Christmas Everyone.

Monday, December 21, 2009



Have you ever wondered what you did wrong to end up in a situation that you never saw coming?
Have you ever wondered why me?
Have you ever wondered why bad things happen to good people?

I have. Pretty regularly, actually. I work in a doctors office so I see a lot of good people fighting a lot of bad things. It makes you appreciate the good things, even if they're few and far between. It breaks my heart when I see the little old couples come in, and you can tell they're so in love... but one of them isn't doing so well. (As sad as that situation is, you can't help but be jealous. I want to look at someone with that much love. You could tell that they were happy in their situation just because they were together.) One couple in their upper 70's took a trip to Italy that they've been waiting for for a long time, and the wife fell ill while she was away. Now she's in a home and in a downward spiral...

Why do those things happen at the most inconvenient moments? Not just health issues... why do you have a flat tire when you're already running late? Why does the meter run out two minutes before you get back to the car? Why does US Airways shut the door in your face when you're 10 seconds late because of THEIR connecting flight?

"It's a traffic jam when you're already late
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife..."

Do you think it's because we're being tested?
Do you think something or someone is trying to see just what exactly it takes to break us?

((I'm not necessarily saying there is a god, or that there isn't a god. I'm simply asking questions.))

I do. I think that we're given exactly what we're able to deal with. How we deal with it, however, is up to us.

I think that no matter how crappy a situation is, we're put in it for a reason. I happen to think everything happens for a reason. Everything that happens to us lands us exactly where we need to be, surrounded by who we need around us. You might not realize it right away, but when you look back on different instances in your life, you'll notice that the right people for that situation where there to help you through it.

I noticed recently that there was a shift in my friends. Most of my friends are the same as last year. Some have disappeared, some are new, but they're mostly the same. I've also noticed that the ones I needed last year aren't the ones I need right now. And the ones I need right now are always around.

We go through a lot of different things in life. A lot of it sucks, and that's just the way it is. Life sucks 90% of the time. When that other 10% comes around you really need to grab on tight and ride it out for all it's worth. After all, life isn't that long. You start dying the second you're born. That 10% comes and goes in the blink of an eye. As a matter of fact, if you blink you might even miss it. So surround yourself with people that appreciate you, and love you for who you are. Cut out those who don't realize what they've got. If they don't know how great you are now, they don't deserve to have the pleasure later. Try to live your life without the negative. I know it's hard, trust me if anyone knows it's me. Sometimes I should really take my own advice, but it's easier to give it than it is to take it.

Another piece of advice, your mother is right. No matter what she say's, she's right. As much as you don't want to hear that, or believe that, it's true. You might not get along, and she might sound repetitive at times, but it's because she knows you're not listening. More often than not, she knows you better than you know yourself and the only reason she nags and the only reason she asks you if you want her opinion, even when she knows you don't, is because she knows long before you do that you're making a mistake. I know it's easier to stick your tongue out and get it stuck to a frozen pole to see if it's true than it is to believe her when she tells you that's what will happen, but save yourself the embarrassment and just listen. She was your age once.

What I started with and what I ended with aren't really connected, and I apologize. Once I get going, it's hard to stop.
If you take anything away from this, trust me on the stuff about your mom.

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway. -- Steven Coallier

Saturday, December 19, 2009


Why do people cheat?

Is it because they're unhappy? Is it because they're unsatisfied? Do they do it for the thrill of getting away with it? I don't understand. I don't understand how you can go behind someones back, who you claim to love so much, and hurt them like that. It's not just a passing pain. It lingers. For a long time. You can forgive, but you never ever forget. Ever. You see it every time you look at that person. Sure it hurts less and less, so does any wound you keep rubbing, because it becomes numb. But you never forget it happened.
And how do you continue to stay with someone who continues to cheat on you? I can be sympathetic the first time it happens to you, and I can understand trying to work things out and giving it one more shot, but if you keep taking that person back after they continue to rip your heart out just as it starts to heal... I don't want to hear about it. At that point you're doing it to yourself and the other person knows they can get away with it without you leaving.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

"I've made mistakes in my life, I've let people take advantage of me, and I've accepted way less than I deserve. But I've learned a lot from my choices and even though there are some things I can never get back, and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve."

It's never too late to write a new ending to your story, no matter how bad the beginning may have been.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, December 17, 2009


(September 10, 2009)


Being someones rock is harder than you think it is. Especially when you feel their pain. When their heart hurts, your heart hurts. When they cry, you want to, but you can't because you have to be the strong one in that relationship.

Its true that holding it together is so much harder than giving up. And when you want to give up you just have to really take a look around at all the people waiting for you to do just that, and prove them wrong. You just have to keep your chin up and keep moving on.

The road may be long, and I promise you there will be bumps, potholes, and the occasional detour, but in the end you'll be ok.

We'll be ok.

(To be continued...)

"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever."


(August 28, 2009)


It doesn't take much to get hurt. We're not superheros. We're not invincible. Our skin is only so thick and we can only take so much.

Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will crush the soul.

I've noticed a lot of the people around me who I care about are suffering. Some mentally, some physically, some emotionally. I want to help, but at the same time it's not my business to pry. If they want to tell me, they will. Until then I'll wait patiently to lend an ear, and arm, or a shoulder. It hurts to be helpless, even though I know that doesn't compare to the hurt I can see in their eyes.


Hurt can take a lifetime to heal. You don't realize it at first sometimes, but your actions can haunt you. I guess it's the same as a regret. You'll always wish you didn't do something, or maybe you wish you did. Ninety percent of regrets are about things you didn't do. Which is worse? Regretting
doing it or regretting not knowing what it was like?


Everyone is dealing with something. Some show it, some don't. Some talk about it, some wont.

"Be kinder the necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."


(August 28, 2009)


Why is it so hard to let love in sometimes? Why is it so hard to let someone love you when thats all they want to do? Someone is standing in front of you, telling you how much they care about you and how they want nothing else but to just be with you, and you turn them down.

What is wrong with

Maybe its because you've been hurt, and you've been lied to, and you've been broken down to the core. Maybe. It could be because you've been betrayed. It could be any number of reasons.

Forget all of that.

This is a new person. This isn't the same person who tore you to shreds. It's not the same person who took you for granted and didn't appreciate you. This is someone who treats you the way you should be treated and knows what you're worth.

What is wrong with


(August 10, 2009)


People say they hate drama all of the time. Usually, the ones who make a point of saying how much they hate it are the ones that love it, live it, create it, and feed off if it. That's all well and fine. Whatever gets you through the day gets you through the day, but keep me out of it. If I clearly have nothing to do with a given situation, why is it necessary to drag me into it? I know I'm awesome, but please, give me a break. It only makes me distance myself from you and want nothing to do with you all together.

Best Friends.

I don't think the term 'Best Friend' should be taken lightly. A best friend
isa best friend. It's your best friend. Maybe there are two or three, but there's certainly not 10. You know as well as I do there are one or two people you'll go to for advice or to talk to before anyone else. And you don't change best friends every time you change your underwear. Best friends are best friends for a reason. And best friends become best friends over time, not over night.

I'm not a fan of people acting like they're my best friends. My bests are set in stone. There are two of them, and I love them. If you're not sure if you're one of them, it's because you're not. And this may sound mean, but you're not going to be. Mine have that title for a reason, not just because.

I realize this post is mostly irrelevant but this issue was bothering me and writing it out makes me feel better.
This one was for me.


(August 3, 2009)

Everyone has a breaking point.

I don't care who you are. I don't care if you're the worlds strongest man or woman. Things can pile up and eventually the last straw gets tossed on top and it
does break the camels back.

When it gets to be too much you have to take a step back, breathe, and collect yourself before you completely lose it.

The best thing to do is remember it could be worse. It could always be worse. I have a hundred problems, but it could still be worse. For a while I was feeling sorry for myself and I was angry that everything was happening to me, but then I talked to a... you could call it a friend and he put things back into perspective for me. Things
could be worse. I could be dead. But I'm not. I'm alive and I'm living and I have a lot of great people in my life. If I really turn around and look at my life, I have no reason not to be happy. I have a good life, and I have a lot of fun.

I have everyone and everything I could have ever asked for in my life.
What more could I need?


(July 31, 2009)

Here's the thing.

People are always going to have something to say so you can't take everything so seriously. Nine out of ten times they will judge you before they know anything more than your name. Let them. And then prove them wrong. Let them think the worst of you and then show them the best you've got.

Success is the best revenge, and I couldn't agree more.

Keep climbing and keep moving on and when you get to the top no one will have anything to say.

Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us. -- Thomas L. Holdcroft


(July 27, 2009)

Live life, get your moneys worth.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of people asking me if I'm ok. Clearly, you're blind because I'm having the best time of my life. I haven't stopped for five minutes since I came home. Tonight's the first night I haven't gone out (though one of my loves came over and we had a midnight ice cream fight that nearly destroyed the kitchen. Nitro enjoyed it though =) He's about some vanilla ice cream.).

I'm also tired of people making judgments. I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to be happy. And that's my main goal right now. I keep people around me who make me laugh, who make me smile, who are my best friends, who are my allies =), who are my drinking buddies (shot for shot?), who like me the way I am. I don't need anyone else.

Life is short.
It's a bumpy road. It's never easy, and if it is, somethings wrong.
It's painful, but sometimes you need that to know you're still alive.
It's a revolving door, bringing people in and out constantly. Not everyone can stay, so let those who want to leave… go.

"Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still."
Live life, get your moneys worth.

The hourglass has been turned. Don't let your time run out before you've made the most of what you've got left.


(July 12, 2009)

The Book of your life.

If a book was written about you life, what section would of the book store would it be in? Would it be in comedy? Drama? Action?

I think mine would be in the fiction section because there are too many things that happen to me that people don't even believe.

The funny thing about life is that chapters are being written all of the time. You don't even realize it but new people, new experiences, new interests... they all create new chapters in your life. The minute you're born you're introduction is written.

Maybe my book would be in the comedy section. I have to step back every now and again and laugh at myself and my life if I'm ever going to find out how the story ends.

I suppose in any life, at one time or another, your book can be in any section. Life is uncontrollable, unpredictable, and unbelievable all at the same time.

In the book of life every page has two sides: we human beings fill the upper side with our plans, hopes and wishes, but providence writes on the other side, and what it ordains is seldom our goal. -- Nisami


(July 3, 2009)


Love is a weird feeling. It makes us act stupid, and say things we normally wouldn't. It makes us all a little crazy and we're all guilty of it at one time or another. I'd like to think that I was in love once, but then again, I'm not sure. I feel like when you truly fall in love, it will be everlasting. Whenever I look back on anyone I thought that I ever loved, I realize it ended for a reason and I was blinded by something that I wanted to be love.


As strange as this may sound, I think heartbreak is healthy. It teaches you lessons, shows you what to look for the next time around. And whenever you meet the right person it'll help you be more appreciative.


Jealousy is an ugly thing. Instead of being jealous, you should strive towards whatever it is you're jealous of and get it for yourself. You shouldn't sit around waiting for something to come to you, or be mad at people who already have it. If I've learned anything in my life so far, it's that nothing is handed to you and if you want something, or want something done, you have to get it and/or do it yourself. Like if you're unhappy, you're the only one who can change that. If you hate your job, you're the only one who can change that. That goes for most things in your life.

Making Someone Jealous.

That's even more ugly than jealousy itself. Trying to make someone jealous for the sole purpose of hurting their feelings is horrible. Going out of your way to make someone else feel pain, and emotional pain no less, is one of the worst things you can do to a person. It'll linger every time they think of you or something that reminds them of you. And it makes
you ugly. No matter what someone does you should always try and be the bigger person. Two wrongs never make a right.

An eye for an eye only makes the whole world go blind.- Mahatma Gandhi.


(June 23, 2009)

"It gets better."

That's one of the things I hate hearing the most. Does it get better? Really? When? Do you have any idea what I need to get better? Do you even know me?

Don't tell me it gets better unless you can also provide a date and time that this will actually occur.

I like to think I'm a good person and that eventually it
will get better, but I'm not holding my breath. We all know how that will end up with my luck anyway.


Everyone feels pain. People can claim to be numb or cut off from the world, emotionless or even just not care, but they still feel pain. It's unavoidable. It's like an infection, and it has many ways to get in. Mental, Emotional, Physical.

Some people say pain is 'temporary' or 'weakness leaving the body' or pain can 'be replaced by other emotions'.

What do you tell one of the strongest people you've ever met while they're morning the loss of their wife?
'It gets better', 'It'll make you stronger', and 'Find something to take your mind off of it' aren't things that come to mind.

Seeing someone cry for the first time, when you thought they were almost incapable of tears is heartbreaking.

I think, if I had to choose, I'd want physical pain over any other kind. Emotional pain just cuts away at you until you can't take it. Like being cheated on or some other traumatic experience like rape. No matter what you do you'll always remember what happened to you, even when you learn to control the thoughts and the time travel your mind creates. They don't call it
'scarred for life' for no reason.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. -- Buddha


(June 12, 2009)

Change is good.


I've changed, and I've never felt better.

I can't tell you the exact time, date, or place that it happened... but it happened.

I've let go of a lot of things that bothered me. One day they just stopped affecting me. And my priorities rearranged. I used to put other people first, but now it's about me, and what I want. I do what I want, when I want, and I don't have to ask or tell anyone about it. I'm always having a good time, and for a long time I didn't know what that was like. I felt suffocated and I was miserable. Now I can breathe and it feels amazing. I can finally fulfill my dreams instead of living in the shadow of someone else's. I can make my own decisions instead of always having to compromise for someone else. I come first now, when I never did. If I'd have known I was missing out on living my own life a few years ago, I'd have done this sooner. I guess love really does blind you. Then you wake up five years later and you realize how much time you wasted trying to please someone else who in retrospect, you could never please. Once you get passed the fact that you have to start over, life really is great. I love my friends and my family and I love New York more than I ever did. North Carolina really shows you how any other state is more civilized. And it's true, you don't like Long Island until you're taken away from it. Being away makes you appreciate the little things, like people knowing how speak at a normal speed, or highways with more than one lane. Even a supermarket within 20 minutes is a plus.

Aside from all that, since I've been home it's been one obstacle after another. You fix one thing, and something else breaks. You pay off one bill, and then another one comes in the mail. The good thing is I'm 50% debt free which is a huge accomplishment for me. I'm getting my shit together and getting my life on track. I plan on going back to school in the fall too. I'm even excited about that which it not my style at all.

All in all, life is good. Great even. I couldn't ask for anything more than what I've been given.

In the end, everything really is ok.


(June 1, 2009)

Today was thoroughly annoying.

I'm sick, still. I started getting sick the day after Boardy Barn, which was the 24th. Apparently, alcohol did not kill whatever germ I had in my system because we all know I drank enough that day. First, the doctor told me it was allergies and to take some nasal spray that made me gag when it dripped down the back of my throat. That was Tuesday. On Thursday she decided, after I begged, to give me a Z-pack (azithromycin). Over the weekend I went deaf in one ear and developed a horrible earache. Today I went into work again and told the other doctor I needed something stronger. He took a look in my ear and told me I had a terrible ear infection. No kidding.

At work we're one person short because someone quit. That means there's just me, Pat, and Diane. Pat only knows the front desk so she can't cover for me. I can do the front desk, but like I said no one can cover my desk. Diane is the office manager and thought it would be a good idea to go to Florida the first week we're short staffed, and the first week the doctor is back in the office from his vacation. She gets to go on a vacation and Pat and I get to work 6 days a week?

There's a drug addict that keeps bothering us at the office. He came in as a new patient last week complaining of back pain. The doctor gave him pain meds, which she shouldn't have done since he was a new patient, but whatever. Today I got a call from a doctors office down the street where he was trying to get more pain medicine. I told him we just gave him a script and they sent him packing. What does he do? He came back to our office with some lame story about how his luggage got stolen and his meds were in there. He lied right to our faces. I told him there was nothing I could do for him because the doctor in our office who initially saw him wasn't in, so we get to deal with that in the morning. Awesome.

The only good part of the day was when the doctor pulled me aside and told me I was part of the team, he thought I was funny, he liked working with me, and I'm getting a raise.

Not five seconds later I walked into the wall because my equilibrium is off due to this wonderful ear infection.


(May 29, 2009)

I am what I am.

I don't know how else to say this.

I ask a lot of questions, not just to ask questions, but because I actually want to know the answers. I like words. I like using different words instead of the same old boring ones over and over again. I blame that on my short attentions span. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. I don't know why I hate it, but I do. The only person I actually talk to for more than 30 seconds is my mom. Everyone else I talk to is just a quick exchange of information. Last month I had over 2000 texts (in and out combined). I love my mom, and I'm not afraid to say it. She's my best friend and I wouldn't have it any other way. I would rather wear a pair of flip-flops over any other shoe there is. Heels don't excite me. Clothes don't really thrill me. Handbags, however, have a place in my heart. I'm not a big fan of sappy love stories, but once in a while I do get in the mood. I'd much rather watch something with action or a comedy. I don't like to dance, mostly because I look like I'm having a seizure when I do so. I like to laugh and I do it a lot. I don't go a day without doing it. Sometimes I laugh at things I shouldn't, or things that aren't really funny. I don't mean to offend, but I try to find the humor in everything. I like to read. And by read, I mean books. Not trashy magazines, though if there's one laying around I will take a look. I also like to write, but I don't like letting anyone read what I've done. I'm afraid that if I get one bad feedback, I'll stop forever. I am completely tone deaf so if I ask you about a song, don't ask me how it goes. Even if I get all of the words right, you won't have a clue what I'm talking about. I have a dry sense of humor, and it takes some getting used to. Sometimes people take it the wrong way and thing that I'm just a bitch, and that's ok. I'd say 25% of the time I am being a bitch. I read numbers backwards sometimes. It really frustrates me when I'm at work and can't figure out why my patient information doesn't sync up. I am the worst liar you will ever meet. I usually laugh mid sentence when I try to say something that's not the truth so, it's not hard to catch me. I hate getting dressed up, I'd rather wear jeans and a T-shirt and be comfortable. I'd rather go to a baseball game than to a club. I'd rather go to a local bar instead of a popular one everyones trying to get into. I'd rather be with my friends and just be myself instead of trying to get attention and be someone I'm not.

I'm putting all of this out there because I don't really care what anyone thinks about me, as long as they know who I really am. This is me. You can take it or leave it, either way I'm still awesome.


(May 26, 2009)

What's the worst feeling in the world?

Well, that depends on who you ask. One person will tell you that it's failure. One person will tell you that it's betrayal. And someone else will tell you it's striking out on the last pitch in the bottom of the ninth to lose the series. If you ask me, it's being lied to.
When you're lied to it makes you feel terrible. It makes you feel like you weren't worth the truth or like someone didn't care enough to bother cluing you in. At the same time, people lie to stop your feelings from being hurt, or to protect you. And in some cases, there was no lie, just a misunderstanding.

You learn things every day.
Here are a few things I've learned to live by:
You start dying the minute you're born. It's one thing after another and it's non-stop from the minute you're born until the day you stop breathing. And if you blink, you'll miss something. Life is too short to hold on to grudges or to not talk to someone because of some petty argument you got into. Misinterpretations and miscalculations happen all the time. Shit happens, you clean it up and you move on with life one step at a time. People come and go, but the ones that matter have a way of sticking around, or showing up when you need them the most. If people walk out on you, their loss. Life is a revolving door. Just wait a few minutes and someone will walk in to take their place. Distance is the worst thing in the world, but laughter is the shortest distance between two people. You have to keep your heart open, or else it will shrivel up and forget how to love. I've also learned that the one person you thought would have your back forever will still break your heart, be it by accident or on purpose. Take it in stride and don't jump to conclusions. There may be an explanation, give it a chance.

"Sticks and stones will break some bones, but words will crush the soul."


(May 10, 2009)

We all have experiences. Good experiences, bad experiences, sad experiences, happy experiences. Experiences you'll never forget and ones you wish you could. They shape our lives, and they make us who we are. They teach us lessons, and sometimes we have to learn the hard way. We all make mistakes, and sometimes it takes a mistake to make us realize we were wrong. Sometimes we don't listen to the people around us who clearly see that we're messing up. And sometimes we have to get burned before we learn not to touch the hot stove.
And we all take chances. Sometimes they end badly, but sometimes we surprise ourselves. It's better to take a chance and risk it all than to live your life wondering what would have happened. That will eat you alive.

I've been thinking a lot lately and I'm not sure exactly how I ended up being where I am right now, but when I look at my life as a whole I'm happy with it. I do have regrets, but who doesn't? There are only a few of them an they're not that terrible. And trust me, I've made more than my fair share of mistakes in life. None of that matters now though, because I'm happy. The last three years I was miserable and I had no idea. I thought I was happy and I thought I was where I wanted to be, and after telling myself that for so long I started believing it. Now, here I am, in a new place, surrounded by different people (yet still the same =) ) and I'm happy every day. Sure things come at me that I'm not thrilled with, and I have the worst luck out of everyone you'll ever meet, but I like to think that makes me unique. And when I look back on all of the ridiculously random things that happen to me, I can't help but laugh and I'm glad my life is what it is. If it wasn't, it'd be boring, I'd be boring, and that would be lame. I don't go a single day without laughing, even if it's at myself, which isn't hard to do. I know full well that I'm a mess, and I love every second of it. I'm not worried about the future anymore because I'm wrapped up in the present. I know that everything happens for a reason and every single experience and person you meet leads you to exactly where you need to be in life.

Life is a journey, I don't know about you, but I'm ready for this ride.


(May 4, 2009)

Life is a mess. Things never go right, you hardly ever get what you want, and everything that you do to prevent something else from happening fails. You love, you get hurt, and then you live in fear. You miss out on chances and then have regrets that turn your stomach every time you think about them and they can eat you alive. The worst part about a regret is that you can have one from doing something, or from not doing something. They're unbiased.
You have friends, and you have acquaintances. Ninety-nine percent of the time your friends will come through, but keep your eye open for that one other percent. Sometimes people will surprise you.
When you realize you love someone, tell them. Eventually the clock will make its rotation, and the moment will be gone. Don't let that be a regret you add to your list.
Remember that you have no idea what another person is going through. "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
Be careful with other peoples hearts. More than likely you've had yours broken, so if you aren't going to give one hundred percent or don't think something is going to last, let it go before the other person is in too deep to avoid the pain from detachment.
Don't spend your time being angry. You can hold a grudge for days, or you can talk it out and make the most of it. "Every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."
And live for yourself. Never change yourself to fit the needs or wants of another person. You've only got one life, and it doesn't last forever. Don't waste your time being too careful, or too safe. If you do, you'll waste too much time and miss out on a million great experiences.
Have fun. It doesn't matter if you look stupid. The more ridiculous you look now, the funnier it will be when you look back on it.
Laugh as much as you can. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh.

Take risks. Try new things. Meet new people. Get out there. Live.
It only takes a second for your world to be completely turned upside down, or for it to end.
Don't let that happen before you're done living.


Throw Back, Circa Early 2009

Again, awesome.
I got to the office first and I opened everything up. Computers, blinds, turned on the tv. Then I went to the exam rooms and started turning on the lights. I turned the first one on, and when I got to the second one I'm almost positive I was electrocuted. I was zapped so bad my hand hurt, and I was shocking everyone I touched throughout the day.
Later in the morning, while Francesca was there, there was a man who wanted Viagra. At first, I didn't hear him but Francesca was laughing about it. After the doctor saw him and he was paying his copay, he got irate and was demanding it because his wife is tired of 'not getting any.'
Later, while filing, I couldn't see the name on a chart so I bent down to look closer and slammed my head into the corner of the counter, and as I went to grab my head because it was throbbing, I managed to get a sick paper cut along my pinky. It was a gusher. I walked into the lab to get a bandaid, blood all over my hand, squinting in pain, and this lady asked me for a glass of water while she was standing next to the water cooler... and the cups. Seriously.
During confirmation calls, I called one patient who started yelling at me that they didn't want to come in for their appointment tomorrow... ok. Don't come in. YOU made the appointment, and you can cancel if you don't want to come. No reason to start screaming.
Lastly, some guys came in to show the doctor a new piece of equipment that did some kind of test, and the brought Santa Clause with them. It was good to see him out and about after the holidays.


Throw Back, Circa Early 2009

Today I went to work. Awesome.
The first patient of the day was someone who used to stalk my life. Awkward. I walked into the room to do a test and just stood there with my mouth open. After a few minutes of thinking of something good to say, I decided to just walk out of the room... only to turn around after I bumped into the doctor. Longest five minutes of my life. And I felt naked.

Later on that day, I went to do an EKG. I knock, the man says to come in, and he's naked. Who gets naked for an EKG? It's mostly a chest thing, with no need to expose your genitals. Before I fell into a laughing fit, I asked him to put his pants back on and then had to excuse myself.
I definitely snorted.

At the end of the day, the doctor asked me to call the lab to add a few tests onto someone's blood work that was taken the previous day. I got some lady named Barbara on the phone and told her all the info, and then she asked me for my name. I told her Amanda. Then she asked for the first letter of my last name. I said B. And then she proceeded to tell me B was for Beautiful, and asked me if I was interested in women. I said no, and she told me she could change my mind.
I'm hoping she was just bored and trying to pull a prank... if not, I'm really uncomfortable.

And lastly, throughout the day I have to pull charts and check off sheets, and sign papers and write notes, so pens happen to collect in my pockets. When I was going to leave, a bunch fell out and now the lady at the front desk thinks I'm a pen thief.

To an extent that is true, when we get the cool ones I do take one. But only one... and I really don't have a reason...

I hope your day was better than mine =)


Throw Back, Circa Early 2009

Have you ever turned around and realized everything is completely different? Day by day things seem to be the at a constant, but when you look at your life year by year, you've done a one-eighty. It's like one of the finger gauges at the jewelers. Ring to ring it's pretty much the same, but from beginning to end its totally changed.
Lately I'm realizing how different things are from even a few months ago. I didn't see the change as it was happening but I see it now. My friends have changed, my hobbies, my interests. Everything.
I even took something for granted without realizing it. I never realized how much I wanted it, until someone else had it. Now it's pretty much out of my life, because at this point it just hurts too much to keep it around. And as much as it kills me to have to do that, I know it's the only way I'll be able to get over it.
The good news is I've finally figured out what to do with my life. I've got direction, so I'm not wandering around anymore.

I guess you have to take the good with the bad and hope that they balance each other out. And even though sometimes things are rough, and sometimes you feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, you've just got to smile because you're living.


Throw Back, Circa Early 2009

I don't know why I get the urge to do it in the middle of the night, but I do.

I have the best life, ever. I don't mean to brag but, there's never a dull moment. I know I've said I don't have any regrets, but I do. I've only got one, and it's waiting to start living the best life ever. I missed out the last several years, and that's the only thing that bothers me now and then. I don't let it get to me too much because I'm having way too much fun for one soul these days, and I'm pretty sure I'm making up for lost time. It still sucks knowing I wasted time, but at the same time, I know now that I wont waste another second.

I do wish things could have been different, but I don't dwell on that because everything that has happened has landed me right here, where I belong. And as much as it sucks starting over, it's kind of nice. I get to reinvent myself. That doesn't take much effort because I'm a completely different person these days. I'm happy. All I do is smile. I laugh like it's my job. I don't sulk and be depressed and worry about everything like I used to, when I had no choice.

Life is what it should be now. I couldn't be more thankful or more grateful to be where I am, even if it means back home with my parents.

That's all.
I needed to vent <3


Happiness and love are the only things that you need


Throw Back, Circa 2008

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

If that's the case, well I must be getting stronger every single day.

Wounds need to heal. They need to be given a chance to close up before you rip into them again. You can’t keep digging deeper because eventually you’ll hit rock and you’ll just have to hang up your hard hat and find another spot to excavate.

You can’t keep coming to me, throwing the same thing in my face, and expect me to react the same way each time. People have breaking points, and I’ve clearly reached mine.

It’s sad, what happened, but I'm moving on. I can’t keep caring about people who don’t care about me. That’s a two way street I traveled alone for a long time, and now that I’m grown up, I’m taking a detour.

So this is me, I’m letting go. I’m going to move on with my life and this time, I’m not looking back. There’s just no room in my life to dwell on people who have clearly given up

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take it's place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."-Lance Armstrong

Chapter Ended.


Throw Back, Circa 2008

I feel like I just wrote this blog, but for 2007.

This year has truly changed my life. From January to December I have done a complete one-eighty. I've had some of the best times of my life, and also some of the worst.

I went through my first, and last, deployment. One of the hardest things you have to do is say good-bye to the one person you love the most in the entire world. If you could imagine something harder, it's not knowing when they're coming home to you, or if they're coming home at all.

I ended a long chapter in my life too. There comes a point in your life where you have to be smart enough to stay, or smart enough to go. It was my time to go. I wrapped up my loose ends, packed up my life, and headed out on my way. I'd be lying if I said it didn't kill me to do it, but at the same time, I didn't really have a choice. I'm a lot stronger then I could have ever imagined. And I'm healing more and more every day.

Life is full of hard times. You just have to be strong and remember that in the end, everything really is ok.

And as much as I hated the military life, it makes me sad to be finished with it. I made some of the best friends in the entire world because of it. I love all of you girls and want to thank you for everything ♥

Now, I've never been a summer lover. Though my birthdays in it, I've never been a fan. However, I had the best summer of my entire life. I don't think we stopped for five minutes. We never actually did anything, but we always had fun.

My final thought for this is:
A lot of people came, and a lot of people left.
All in all, I realized that I don't need people in my life who don't want to be here.
If someone wants to leave, let them. If they want to leave, they're not worth fighting for.

I hope everyone has a safe & happy New Years Eve!
I know I will cause I'll be with some pretty awesome people ♥
May this be the best year of YOUR life!


Throw Back, Circa 2008

I do not care what you have to say about my life.
Nor do I care what you think about it.

With that said, I'll continue on to the more important stuff.

If you are not in, or haven't been in my current situation, do not comment on it.
If I don't tell you about it, it's because I don't want you to know.
It's also none of your business, so stop trying to get information out of me.
I'm locked up like Fort Knox.

My favorite thing is when someone starts out a sentence with "In my opinion..."

Well, let me stop you right there. I don't really care what you think, and you're probably wrong.

I also find it funny that you could even HAVE an opinion considering you've never been in a situation CLOSE to what I'm going through. And stop comparing your life to mine. You have NO idea what I've been through, what I'm going through, OR what I have to deal with.

I don't understand why people don't understand why I hate so much.
People are inconsiderate. They're judgmental, rude, conceited, cocky, arrogant.
People are ugly.

I realized this today.
I'm not going to sit here and say I've never made fun of someone. I have, who hasn't? But I've never been cruel. I've never intentionally made fun of someone in hopes of hurting their feelings.
Honestly, I cry when I see a homeless person, or a handicapped person because I just feel terrible.

Anyway, getting to the point, I don't need that, or people like that in my life. I'm living for me now and all I want is to be happy. I don't need anything or anyone bringing me down because it's my time to shine ;)

It's a new beginning.
I'm not going to mess it up this time.


Throw Back, Circa 2008

I can't sleep so, why not write something down?

Part of the reason I can't sleep is because I've got a lot on my mind lately. My life's about to change dramastically (I had to do it, I had to). I've been having a lot of heart issues again out of nowhere too so, that sucks. Schools getting annoying and boring and I don't even have the motivation to finish even though there's like... what? Two weeks left? I need more stimulation.

I feel pretty blah lately, numb almost. I haven't really wanted to do anything. I've been trying to block recent events out of my mind but that's proving to be more difficult then I thought it would be. On the brighter side, I'm a lot stronger then I thought I was, which is always a plus.

And again, I realized who my real friends are <3
It sucks that it takes something really bad to happen for you to really realize that, but at the same time, it's good to know the same people keep sticking around.

I Love You Guys, too the moon.

Other then that... I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and it makes me nervous. Growing up makes me nervous by itself. I've been writing a lot. Stories, poems, songs. Maybe that will turn into something. I've got to get another acoustic and put some music to the songs... hopefully that will keep me busy and help me keep my mind off things.

I'll end this with one of my favorite quotes <3
From the very, very wise words of Ian,
"Life is shit, eventually someone comes around to clean it up."


Throw Back, Circa 2008

How tragic.

If you could know the date and time you were going to die, would you want to know?
Would you want to know how much time you had to do all the things on your bucket list?
I would.

Or, would you not want to know and stroll through life doing things here and there?

If you decided to know, and only had an hour to live, "Who would you call? And why are you waiting?"

If I only had an hour to live, I'm not sure exactly who I would call. I would hope the most important people would be there with me. If they weren't all there, I guess I would call a couple of people who I love the most. I mean, you can only call so many people and say so much in an hour. I'd want to let a few people know how I really felt then a bunch of 2 minute phone calls that didn't really get my point across.

I wouldn't go crazy trying to make sure everyone I loved knew I loved them. They should already know because I say it whenever I say goodbye or whenever I am hanging up the phone.

I could tell you who I wouldn't call. I wouldn't call the bank or the cell phone company. I wouldn't bother letting the people who hold my car loan know that I'm going, or bother calling a lawyer to write a will.

Anyway, why am I waiting?


Throw Back, Circa 2008

What the hell?
I got a mosquito bite.
Ok no, I got two mosquito bites on my face on... I think it was Monday.

They were itchy and I tried not to scratch them because I didn't want scars on my face.
Tuesday & Wednesday I was fine.
Thursday it was a little red and really itchy but I didn't think anything of it because mosquito bites itch.

FRIDAY, I woke up and my face was wicked swollen. I went to the ER because I got nervous and when I went to the nurses station she was like, "What's wrong?"...
Hello!? I have a giant red welt and swollen face.

So I told her what was wrong and got my vitals taken and all that crap and got put in the farthest darkest corner of the ER. My entourage came down to visit (Joanie, Amanda, Bill) and they hungout until the doctor came (his name was Igor).

He looked at my face, touched it a little, and told me it was cellulitis.

Ugh, gross.

Then he asked if I was allergic to any medicines and I said, "No, but I'm allergic to shots." cause Amanda said I was going to get a really painful shot in my butt.

He laughed but I don't think he understood me.

Anyway, I had to get an IV drip of some medicine, a Tetanus shot that hurts like a bitch, and 10 days worth of augmentin.

And I don't get to go to the Boardy Barn because I can't drink because of this stupid medicine and I'm really mad because everyone is going :(

Boo hoo.

P.S. If I have a scar from this I'm going to be so mad.


Throw Back, Circa 2008

I took the train from Queens to Ronk yesterday. It was ridic. I took the 6:30, which I barely made it to. Got on, went two stops to Jamaica (Oh no! Not Jamaica!) got off, walked through another train that was waiting there, got yelled at because apparently you're not allowed to do that, and then got on my connecting train.

Then, I stood on the train for 45 minutes while it rocked me violently back and forth next to a man with the worst breath I think I've ever smelled in my life.
On my other side were two guys getting drunk with 6-packs of beer and they smelled pretty bad too.

Anyway, 45 minutes into the ride people started getting off so I was able to sit down and this lunatic lady who had to be a hundred and thirty stood up and started praising the lord and singing gospel music, which by the way sounded ridiculous because no one could hear the music but her because it was on her ipod.

On her IPOD.

After she was done singing she asked me if I had sinned and told me to repent.

I almost died... laughing

When I got into Ronkonkoma my mom was at Port Jeff because for some reason she thought that was the station I was coming into, when I NEVER go into that station because its schedule is stupid.

SO, I'm waiting on a bench for her to get to me and the taxi driver asked me about 14 times if I needed a taxi and I kept saying no. If I needed one, hello, I would have asked.

THEN, two guys got in a fight on the train platform and one guy was like "You better get on the train if you know what's good for you" and the other guy was like "What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?" and the first guy was like "You don't even wanna know what I'm gonna do." and the second guy was like "Show me. What? You got nothin!" and then the first guy was like "You're not even worth my time." and then the second guy got on the train and the train left and the first guy was talking to his friend and said "He didn't even know what was coming. He's lucky he got his bitch ass on the train before I fucked him up." hahaha.

Ahhh. I love New York ♥


Throw Back, Circa 2008
What matters in life?

I was thinking about it earlier, and I've come to a conclusion.

The only thing in life that matters is being happy, doing things that make you happy, and being around people who make you happy.

If you hate your job (like all the people at the Selden Post Office) then quit and get a new one. Do something you love. Get a job, or work for a career that won't give you a permanent bitch face, or make you hate your life at the end of the day, or cause other people to just not want to be around you. Having a job you hate will only age you faster and no one wants wrinkles or crows feet at 25.

If you hate the person you're with, or if they don't treat you how you deserve to be treated, or they don't respect you then get out of that relationship. No one is worth the pain they can cause. And if someone is causing you pain then there's no reason to hang around and let them continue to bleed you dry.
Whoever you are you deserve to be happy and deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved.
Don't ever lower your standards to fit the schedule or needs of another person.

Too many people I love and care about have done that and just given up their own happiness to please someone else. It's not worth it because twenty years from now when you're older and living in a house with three children and a spouse you want to kill every time you pass each other in the hallway, you're going to regret not getting out when you could have. People can change but more often then not they don't so if you have a bad relationship... and it doesn't get any better after a talk and some time... it's too late because that person already sees they can do what they want and walk all over you and you wont leave... so why should they change?

Time is precious. It gives meaning to life. Don't let it slip away because that's the number one regret in everyones life.

Anyway, like I said, being happy is the only thing in life that matters and you are the only person who can control your own.

Yours Truly,