NinetyFour.

I have made a decision.

I have decided to take care of myself.

To tend to my needs. To solve my problems. To deal with my issues.

I'm exhausted. Exhausted from listing to people complain about the most insignificant bullshit. I'm tired of dealing with people who are so selfish that even when you're screaming at the top of your lungs, they don't hear you. Tired of people making everything about themselves, even when they know you're suffering.

I'm over people comparing their problems to mine when they have no idea what I'm going through-or what anyone else is going through for that matter. I'm done listening to people that try to convince me that their current drama is more important than anything that could possibly be bothering me. I'm not going to fully be there for people who aren't even partially there for me.

I'm just done.

With that being said, I've decided to be happy. I'm not really a fan of feeling sad and it's not really working for me. I miss being myself and feeling good. Shedding the negativity, and unnecessary negative people around me, will help me find my way back to myself. I'm not sure where or when I got lost, but it's about time I'm found. Of course this wont happen over night, but from now on I'm going to do whatever I have to do to just be me.

From now on I'm going to live my life and I'm going to love my life. With all of the bumps and potholes that come along with it, I'm going to love it. With all of the obstacles and roadblocks that come along with it, I'm going to love it. With all of the ups and downs, the good the bad... I'm going to love it.

All of it.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes. "

NinetyThree.

Why?

Why does getting what you want never feel as good as you thought it would? Even though you know it's what's right and what's good for you? Even though any other alternative could be potentially hazardous to your health?

Why do things sound better in your head than they do aloud? Why is it that you practice your lines over and over again, and even when they come out perfectly, you feel like you've failed? You feel like you've made a mistake? You feel like a fool?

It doesn't really matter how you feel because it's too late. It shouldn't really matter because, after all, you got what you wanted. And even if it's not what

you expected, it's what you deserved for being selfish.

"They say the universe has a great sense of humor. That

sometimes having your dreams come true can feel like a

nightmare. Because getting what you want always comes

with strings attached... And even when you think you're

finally in the clear, you're never home free."

NinetyTwo.

Oh, Hey Life.

Life is whatever you make it. If your life sucks, well it's probably your own fault. If your life is awesome, chances are it's because you had goals, reached them, and made it that way. You can't expect your life to be some amazing adventure if you don't get up and chase a dream every now and again. After all, how can you have an adventure if you don't get up and get out there? If you're the kind of person who just gives up at the first sign or trouble, or the second something becomes anything but easy, you should reevaluate your life. Eventually, it's time to grow up. You have to become responsible for your actions, responsible for yourself. And if your life is so awful that you can't stand it, change it.

And while you're out there, sowing your wild oats, keep in mind that you don't have a clue about what other people are going through. Do not compare your life to theirs. Do not compare yourself to them. You'll only end up disappointing yourself, and you're probably wrong.

Be kinder than necessary,

for everyone you meet is

fighting some kind of battle.

Live your life. Live it for you. Make yourself happy without worrying about what other people want, need, think, or feel about it. If you spend all of your time worrying about everyone else, you're going to lose the most important thing in your life... yourself.

Carpe Diem!

Rejoice while you are alive.

Enjoy the day.

Live life to the fullest.

Make the most of what you have.

It's later than you think.

- Horace

NinetyOne.

Everyone has a Someone.

I went to dinner with a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago and he said that everyone has one person who they'd do anything for. One person that is worth losing everything to be with. One person that you find yourself going back to again and again, be it literally or figuratively.

[[One person it could never possibly work out with...]]

I disagreed, of course.

I couldn't think of anyone who made me feel like that. I still can't. When I told him, he asked me; "You mean to tell me there's no one out there who, if they came here right now and said let's be together, would make you drop everything and be with them?" That is a whole different question. There are people in my life that I care about. But no, there's no one that's been around a long time that I find myself going back to time and time again. I get bored very easily. I like the chase, but not the reward. When I really want something, I go after it. Once I get it, it becomes whatever.

Once someone comes along and

changes that, changes me, well

then I'll have found my someone.

<3<3

Ninety.

I'm Back.

When I decided to write today, I had plenty of things to talk about. Now that I'm getting around to it, I can't think of anything worth talking about. I hate when that happens... though it's been happening more and more lately. I'm forgetful, my attention span isn't as long as it probably should be, and I get bored easily.

I really hate when people say that. 'It is what it is.' What is what? Can you be more specific?

Anyway, I've had a crappy few days. Really crappy, bring you down, make you feel bad days. Then, I realized no matter what's going on, it can't last forever. Bad days end, anger and pain fade, and once you hit the bottom there's only one way to go. I don't have to be unhappy, and neither do you. When it seems like there's nothing you can do and you feel stuck, look around. Figure out what's making you unhappy, and change it.

I've recently surrounded myself with the most amazing people on the planet [that I've met so far ;) ] and it feels fantastic. I forgot what it was like to have fun. I forgot what it was like to breathe. I forgot what it was like to just be.

But I'm back and just being... awesome of course. =)

"Don't wait around for other people

to be happy for you. Any happiness

you get, you've got to make yourself."

- Alice Walker

EightyNine.

Karma.

Oh, karma. It's not a funny thing as many people so often say. It's actually quite serious-whether you believe in it or not. People get what they deserve no matter how long it takes. It may take years, but eventually you'll get slapped in the face for all the wrong you've done.

Some people are so selfish. All they care about is themselves, and no matter how hard you try to make them see that the world-in fact-does not revolve around them, the less they see it. Another thing that I can hardly believe is how someone can change so drastically with the snap of a finger. How someone could be in love with someone so deeply one minute, and be a total stranger the next. How they could go from almost being married, to a complete savage.

And isn't it always easier to point the finger at someone else instead of owning up to the fact that you're the worthless person? That you're the abusive person? That you're the irresponcible person? That YOU'RE the BAD person? Of course it is. No one wants to admit that they're a horrible human being. No one wants other people to see all of the bad things they do behind everyone's back. They just want to play the victim, cry wolf, and play games that get people hurt.

Well, the truth is, you can't get away with everything forever. Eventually you're true colors show. Eventually, people see you for what you really are. And that's nothing. You're nothing. No one. When you look in the mirror, there's nothing there. All you see is all of the things you've lost because of your own poor choices and bad decisions.

I guess it actually is all about you in the end, because that's all you have left.

Now tell me, how does that feel?

"One of the greatest diseases
is to be nobody to anybody.”
- Mother Teresa

For You/AB/<3

NinetySeven.

Everyone has one friend with whom they have a strange relationship. It's not at all normal but it doesn't matter. You're friends regardless.

I have this one friend who I've known a couple years now. Or at least a year. I'm not even sure. We hardly see eachother but whenever something comes up that we know the other would like, we call eachother and that's that. Like no time has passed at all.

It's odd, but if one of us has a problem, we automatically text eachother. The conversation will last all day, if not two days, and once its done, it's done.

We never make plans. Any time we see eachother it's a same day, spur of the moment type of thing, and I'm ok with it.

Those are the friendships you should hold on to.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

NinetySix.

Born-Again Christianity.

I'm not going to pretend that I understand it... because I don't. I don't know what it's like, or what the church is like, or what they pray for.


Here is what I do know, after looking around a bit and asking questions:

1) Most people become Born-Agains because they've done something horrible in their life, and need to be 'saved'.

2) They are not unlike a cult. Once someone become a Born-Again, they spend all of their time either at church or doing other activities with other Born-Agains.

3) You cannot have a rational, inteligent conversation with them because all they do is preach. And no matter how hard you try, you're wrong.

4) They're lacking in the sense of humor department. Anything that is remotely 'unholy' is frowned upon and offensive.

5) They're very judgemental.

What I don't understand is that if you did do horrible things, and then you were 'saved', why would you so harshly judge another person? What makes you better than anyone else? Who are you that you think you're above anyone else? In my entire life, I've never done anything so horrible that I'd have to be 'saved'. I've always been a good person. I didn't have to be 'saved' to change my old ways. That in itself makes me a better person.


The other thing I don't think I'll ever understand is... if you were 'saved' to become a better person, why have you instead only become worse?

“Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.” Dennis Miller

NinetyFive.

Is it so hard to be a decent person? I mean, really. Is it that difficult to let your job know you're not coming in to work more than an hour before you're supposed to be there?

Is it really too hard to answer the person who is covering you, even though they know you're probably not sick at all while they're suffering with a cold, when they ask you a question that is far from complicated? The question had four words in it and it wasn't mean or intimidating or even rude.

On an entirely different note, I don't understand how you can be such a horribly shitty person and still get away with so much. I hate to see what happens when mommy doesn't do everything for you anymore.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

NinetyFour.

Friends.

Sometimes it doesn't matter what's wrong with your friends. It doesn't matter what happened or who hurt them. What matters is that you're there for them, and that you'll be ready to listen when they're ready to talk.

When you're really friends with someone, you can tell when they're having a bad day instantly. And if you're really good friends with someone, you can even tell by a text message. In those cases you have to just step back and let them have their space. They'll come around when they're ready.

When they are ready, just listen. Listen until they're done. Don't interrupt. Don't try to tell them what they should and shouldn't do. Just hear them out.

And once they're done talking, that's when you go grab the baseball bat and break the kneecaps of whoever started this whole thing. ;)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

NinetyThree.

All good things must come to an end, so that grater things can begin.

That's never what you want to hear when you feel like your world is falling down around you. It's not nearly as comforting as people think it is... Or at all for that matter. But, give it some time. Truer words have never been spoken.

When you feel like giving up,

remember why you held on for

so long in the first place."

~Unknown

The truth is that none of us are invincible. We all have fears. We all feel pain. We all know sadness. And in a world that revolves around portion control, most of us end up with more than we can handle on our plates. That's the way life goes sometimes. It's unpredictable. There is no guideline. There are no rules. As soon as you're born its no holds barred, and life will continuously try to beat you into the ground. You just have to stand up and dust yourself off and prepare for round two.

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing,

but in rising up every time we fail."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

NinetyTwo.

I will edit this later:

Sometimes all people can talk about is themselves, and how great their lives are. Let them have that moment. It's probably the only time they're really as happy as they say they are.

I've found that the more someone talks something up, the less significance it has. You may think they're doing that to impress you, and in some cases they probably are, but more often than not they're doing it to make themselves feel better. They're doing it to make things seem better than they are. They're doing it because you probably believe them, and the more they lie, the more they believe it too.

You have to take those people with a grain of salt. Usually, whatever it is they're talking about isn't relevant to your life to begin with, so if you just listening can make them feel good, then let it.

Everyone deserves to be happy. And if you can bring even the slightest smile to someones face, do it.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”- Leo F. Buscaglia


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

NinetyOne.

I thought this was my blog?

Apparently I can't write whatever I want on my blog without someone getting upset. Oh well. Last time I checked no one is forcing anyone to come here and read what I think or how I feel. And if you do find yourself here, and you have something to say about my blog, I'd really appreciate it if you said it to my face instead of twisting things around behind my back to make me look bad at a time when I'm not available defend myself.

But my mistake, I was under the impression that everyone was entitled to their own opinions and that here in America there was this thing called freedom of speech. Obviously I'm wrong though, because I'm always wrong, and you're always right. What was I thinking?

I'm so sick and tired of people. In general.

As a general statement, I'm just tired of people.

Everyone who knows me, knows exactly who I am. I don't have anything to hide, and that's why my blog is public. Whoever wants to read it can do as they please because I am not a liar and I am not fake. More often than not I'm too honest. I know how to take responsibility for the things I do wrong, and I also know how to apologize, but I refuse to apologize for anything I write here. I will never be sorry for my opinions and I will never be sorry for saying how I feel, nor will I ever be ashamed or let anyone make me feel bad for any of the things on my blog.

If you feel like something on here is about you, or even if you know it's about you, maybe you should take a step back and look at yourself. There had to be a reason why I wrote that blog. If you do something that upsets me, I'm probably going to write about it. That doesn't mean I'm badmouthing you, or bashing you, or what-have-you because I never use people's names. It simply means that I'm upset and this is how I vent.

If that upsets you so much, maybe you should think before you act. Maybe, and I'm just going out on a limb here, maybe you shouldn't do bad things in the first place. And maybe you're hurt that I wrote about you on here, (without pointing fingers or labeling anything with names) and I get it. I outed you and now people can see that you're not a nice person. And for once you get to see how other people see you in print, and it just so happens that on paper, you're not so perfect.

The only reason I would write

about you is because you hurt me.

Goodness,

the truth sure does hurt...

Doesn't it?

Ninety.

Liars...

They think they can get away with everything. There's always an excuse, always an answer. There's always a reason why they couldn't go, or why they didn't call, or why they didn't bother to tell you that they weren't coming on a vacation that you've been planning since March even though they knew they weren't coming for a month.

Aside from the fact that that's incredibly selfish-as someone else could have had that spot and gone on the vacation of a lifetime-it's also very hypocritical and non-Christian like to lie and be deceitful.

What else is non-Born Again Christian like?

Well, I wouldn't know because I'm not crazy, but I imagine these things would be on that list, if there is one... somewhere.

1. Telling someone you'll come see them in the hospital when they have heart surgery, and then just not showing up or calling to see if they're OK.
2. Telling someone you have a birthday gift for them, but you forgot it at home... for nearly two months.
3. Telling someone you'll come and hangout and meet a group of people that you're supposed to go on vacation with multiple times, but then lying multiple times and never showing up.
4. Sending someone a long apology note (a week late) asking for forgiveness and saying how you're going to change and be a better friend, only to be a worse person afterwards.
5. Completely changing who you are every time you get into a relationship.
6. Pretending to be someone's friend.

Now, I think I've been a pretty good friend. I've been there through two bad breakups, 2 or 3 deployments, twice when she needed a job, countless road-trips to North Carolina which cost me time and money that I didn't always have just so she wouldn't have to go alone, and pretty much any time she needed me. And every time she's done what she's doing now, I've forgiven her (which is very Christian like, just saying) because I thought we were friends. This time though, it's gotten to a point where my real friends, my boyfriend, and even my mother are mad and angry with the way I've been treated.

I love them a lot more than I could ever love someone who has taken me for granted. This is the end of a long chapter. (If you're reading this, please don't send me another bullshit apology letter that you and I both know doesn't mean anything.)

So, in conclusion, I don't need anyone in my life who is going to be selfish, inconsiderate, full of themselves, untruthful, and willing to throw a six-year friendship out the window.

(*On a side note, I don't have anything against any religion at all. What I do have a problem with is someone only becoming interested in a certain religion because the person they're dating said that they wouldn't date you unless you were the same religion as them.)

EightyNine.

Oh, life...

Sometimes the path you want to take, and the path you end up taking are completely different. They may run parallel, and they may even cross at times, but it's never what you thought it would be... and that's not always a bad thing.

Life happens, and it takes you where you need to be. It's full of decisions and choices and by making each, you map out your own journey. Sometimes it's disappointing, sometimes it's not what you thought it'd be, but it's always worth it.

You just have to remember that not everything works out, and there's a perfectly good reason for that. When something goes wrong, there's something better that will go right. Be patient. Keep an open mind. Stay positive.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason.

People change so that you can learn to let go,

Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right.

You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.

And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

— Marilyn Monroe

EightyEight.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you wake up and realize that you're stronger than that.
Stronger than what?
Stronger than anything.
You put your foot down and keep moving. There are no excuses. There is no cheating. The only thing there is is you. And if you want it, whatever it is, you've got to get up and get it because no ones just going to hand you your dreams on a silver platter.
You can't be afraid and you can't let things get you down because the only person that hurts is you. Life moves quickly and it doesn't last forever. If you spend your time worrying, well now you're thirty. If you spend your time being afraid, there's the big 4-0.
Go out and make mistakes. Make a fool of yourself. Do whatever it is you have to to be happy.
In the long run... That's all that really matters.
Surround yourself with people that love you and go for it, whatever 'it' is. You deserve it.
The sands falling from the timer of life. Make sure you're going strong until that last grain touches down.

When you come to the end of your rope,

tie a knot and hang on.

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

EightySeven.

Sometimes being right hurts...

Sometimes finding out that you're right isn't satisfying at all. As a matter of fact it can hurt like hell. Like when you think someone doesn't care about you at all, and you tell them how you feel, and then they don't even have the decency to answer you... therefore solidifying your suspicion.

I was thinking about it for a while and if that person cared at all, I'd have heard something by now. But clearly, everything I thought and everything I said was true because here we are about five days later and not a peep.

It especially hurts when you know you've been there for that person every time they called you.

A friendship that can end,

never really began.

-Publilius Syrus.

EightySix.

I don't like to get political, but...

So, I know I've been out of the loop for a few days, so let me get this right. Instead of people getting ready for the anniversary of 9/11, people are putting down and protesting against a Mosque/community center near the site? Did they all forget that there's one already there that has been there for 20 or so years? Or that over 400 Muslims also died in 9/11? Or that Muslims have a place to pray less than 80 feet from the Pentagon's 9/11 memorial site?

People forget that Americans weren't the only ones who died on 9/11. It was a world wide tragedy. Everyone felt it in some way. It's not fair to punish an entire religion for the actions of some.

(The Westboro Baptist Church is a bunch or ignorant uneducated people, but we don't discriminate against all Baptists, do we? I know that what they do isn't as extreme as what happened on 9/11, but I'm just making a point.)

The military is over there fighting for the freedom of everyone in this country. Everyone. And in a country that prides itself on equality... this doesn't seem very fair to me.

I'm just sayin'. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, and this is mine.

EightyFive.

True Friends...

Finding out who your true friends are can be a slap in the face sometimes. You never realize who they are until, unfortunately-and in most cases, something bad happens. And by then, you're left wondering 'how could you have been so stupid?'.

Don't waste your time trying to figure out how you missed the signs. That kind of person is good at what they do. They get what they want from you and pretend to be your best friend... until you no longer produce.

It's almost like a part of life. And on the bright side, it makes you more grateful for those friends you know you can count on.

The next time something goes wrong, look around. The people standing by you will be the ones who've been there all along. <3

EightyFour.

Everyone takes something for granted...

You're probably thinking to yourself right now 'not me', but think about it.

Maybe it's having a car, or a job, or someone who takes care of you. Or maybe it's the ability to see the world in all of it's many different colors, or seeing a sunrise, or a shooting star. Or maybe it's the ability to hear music, or laughter, or simply hearing someone say 'I love you'.

Sometimes you forget how lucky you are to have all of the small things that make up your life. You don't realize how wonderful they are because you've never been without them. You should take a moment every now and again and think about all of the amazing things you have in your life. After all, they could all be gone in an instant.

Real success comes in small portions day by day.

You need to take pleasure in life's daily little treasures.

It is the most important thing in measuring success."

- Denis Waitley

Too many people are too busy worrying about what's going wrong that they overlook the things that are going right, no matter how few and far between they may be.

I'm twenty-four years old and tomorrow morning I'm meeting with a surgeon to schedule my second heart surgery.

I feel like for someone my age, I've been through a lot and lived more than 24 years worth of life. It's exhausting but I try not to get upset. And when I do, I don't show it.

I know that nothing lasts forever and eventually things have to take a turn for the better. Sometimes you have to deal with things even if you're not ready. You have to suffer to find out how strong you are. Life is made up of quizzes and whether you pass or fail the test of life is solely up to you. Just remember that when you hit the bottom, the only way to go is up.

"If you always keep your head towards the sun, the shadows will always fall behind you." <3