FortyFive.

Bleeding Heart.

Could you imagine me having one?

Me neither.

However, much to my surprise and I'm sure to yours as well, I've got one.

I never really thought about that, or even used the words in a sentence before. I mean, I've heard the saying, I just never made the connection or thought that it applied to me. Last night though, at dinner, an old man came in to the restaurant and was sat in a booth right next to us... and he was alone. I looked at my mom and she just sighed and asked "Do you want to go and sit with him?" I almost did. My cousin was surprised that I cared, and that's how the whole conversation of 'bleeding hearts' came about.

Ever since I was a little kid I've felt bad for homeless people, people with disabilities, and the majority of old people I see alone.

(All I have to do is look at my mom and she knows exactly what's about to happen. For some reason I just get really upset. And if she sees them before I do, she either tells me not to look, or distracts me.)

Why?

I have no idea. Whenever I see homeless people I feel compelled to feed them. I've stopped in the middle of traffic on a busy highway to give a homeless man McDonalds before. I even made my friend give a homeless man five dollars in the bronx a month ago because I didn't have my wallet on me. When I was younger I joined the YMCA and helped out with the Special Olympics-and when I have time now, I still volunteer. I know these things aren't my problem, but I feel like I have to help them because if I don't, who will?

Clearly, I'm in the wrong profession. I should be doing social work, or running a homeless shelter or something. But where do I start?

I'm not sure just yet, but watch out world.

"There is a kind of elevation which does not depend on fortune; it is a certain air which distinguishes us, and seems to destine us for great things; it is a price which we imperceptibly set upon ourselves." - Francois De La Rochefoucauld

FortyFour.

Change... is like the wind.

The other day one of my friends told me I've changed. I asked him how so? And he said he didn't know, but I was different. At first I just brushed it aside because he's the kind of guy that just says things to see if he can get a rise out of you. I assumed he was just being himself and went about my business. I am who I am, who I've always been... I thought.

Today I was talking to... an old friend and as the conversation went on, I realized he was right. I have changed. I'm not the same person I was last year, and last year I wasn't the same person as I was the year before. I guess when you go through a lot of things in a little bit of life, they shape you and mold you and sometimes it prevents you from staying the same.

When I was 16 I had heart surgery and I died. I had an out of body experience and everything, and when the surgery was over the doctor said he had to put my heart into arrhythmia to find the problem. I almost left with a pacemaker. I guess it was too much to handle and for a few brief moments my heart stopped.

When I was 18, the love of my life left me to go to boot camp. At the time that was the worst experience of my life. 3 months without talking and only the occasional letter, I didn't think I'd survive. When I was 21, he left again to go to war and I didn't know if he was going to come back. 8 months of worrying, a handful of phone calls, and a few e-mails made that take the number one spot in the list of worst events in my life.

And, when I was 22, I walked away from the one thing I thought I needed more than anything in the entire world. At the time it was horrible and heartbreaking, yes. But I was ok. I'm ok now.

I know now that no matter what gets thrown at me, or how tough a situation gets, or how painful something is... it's temporary and I'm going to be fine.

So I guess if by change he meant grew a thicker skin, got a bigger heart, found a stronger will, then he was spot on. If by change he meant that I became more aware of what's important, what I want, and what deserve, then he was 100% right.

Change isn't a bad thing as long as you stay true to yourself.

Give big, Love big, Live big.

If it changes you, let it.

If it changes someone else,

even better.

Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you. -Dr. Seuss.

FortyThree.

Stupid.

We all do stupid things at some point in our lives. Some people do them more than others, but that's not the point right now. No matter how careful you are, how safe you play the game, how many times you go over the steps in your head, eventually you're going to mess up.

Truth be told, it's not that big of a deal... as long as you get back up and dust yourself off. As long as you give it another try, who cares? Sure, people will probably judge you, but that's all the more reason to get up and prove them wrong. If you stay down, then you're just proving them right.

And trust me, it's not the end of the world. It may seem like it at the moment, but be realistic. Do you know anyone who's died from embarrassment or a broken heart?

I didn't think so.

Mistakes.

Well, we all know I've made my fair share. And look at me? I'm not laying on the ground feeling bad for myself. I know that if I do that, then everyone else is right. And I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm too stubborn to let someone ever tell me "I told you so."

Currently, I'm finding myself getting attached to the wrong person. Stupid, I know. Mistakes are stupid, and when you look back at them they were totally avoidable. The thing is, you never realize that until it's too late. So what's the point of reliving what you could have done over and over again until it makes you crazy?

You can't live in a world of what if's. What if this, and what if that. What if? Well does it really matter because you are where you are and you can't just climb in your time machine and relive that moment again and again and change different details until it fits the perfect 'what if' situation.

The problem here is everyone needs to get with it and live in the now because if you keep thinking about the past you're going to miss the future.

It's OK to mess up once in a while. It gives you a chance to learn and a chance to get back on track. Who doesn't need a wake-up call every once in a while?

"If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down." -Mary Pickford.

FortyTwo.

Goodbyes.

Goodbyes make up a good part of your life. Some hurt more than others. Some hurt so bad you don't know what you're going to do with yourself, or how you'll go on from that very moment when you were hit hard with a low blow and all the air was knocked out of your lungs so you couldn't breathe. Some are welcomed, almost a relief. And then some just happen, because you really don't have any other choice.

I've had my fair share of goodbyes, who hasn't? And yes, a few of them broke my heart so badly that I left some pieces behind, but I'm still breathing.

I realized not too long ago that pain is temporary. Sure, I've heard that saying before. "Pain is temporary." "Pain is weakness leaving the body." I spent a whole five years of my life almost attached to the military so I've heard it all, but a couple of years ago I actually grasped the meaning of it. No matter how bad something is or how painful something may be, it wont last forever. I know that at times things seem like they'll never get better and there's just no end in sight, but even though you might not be able to see it, you're already half way there.

The thing about goodbyes is that they keep coming. They're relentless. Some hit harder than others just like any other opponent. You just have to figure out how to handle them. It's easier to turn a goodbye into a new beginning than it is to turn it into something you dwell on forever.

You can't be afraid of a new hello because of the pain from an old goodbye.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." - Dr. Seuss =)

FortyOne.

People.

I was just looking through old pictures I found and I laughed to myself for hours. I may have hated North Carolina with a passion but I did have a lot of good times there. Had I never moved there I would have missed out on having a lot of great memories with people I'll never forget. (i.e., Wilmington, Barney's.)

You meet so many people in your life time. Some are just people you meet once in passing, some are aquaintances. Then there are some that from the very moment you meet them, you know they belong in your life. And each and every one of them changes you, be it a slight change or a drastic change.

The funny thing about meeting so many people is sometimes you don't know how much they mean to you until you're apart. That whole 'You don't know what you've got til it's gone' thing is true. Sure, I loved my friends while I was in NC, but now that we're scattered across the US, I miss them terribly. I miss the late nights, random road trips, everything. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends here but it's not the same. I was a different person in North Carolina, and I owe that change to them. They made me stronger, and made me realize I deserved to be happy. If it wasn't for one of them in particular, I might still be miserable living a life I hated.

So all in all, it may have been one thing that brought us together, but it's a dozen things that keep us connected. And even though many of us have broken free from what brought us together in the first place, we still remain linked by the bonds we've made over time, wounds, loves, success and failures. And I wouldn't hesitate to get on a plane and run to any of them if they needed me.

Forty.

Family.

The Good.

They are the only people you can love and hate at the same time. They drive you crazy and push you to the edge, and right when you're ready to jump, they throw you a lifesaver. It's almost like they're not really trying to save you. It's more like they're trying to keep you around because if they don't, who will they torture?

As crazy as they may make me, I'm thankful for every one of them. For all of the years of getting tied up, beat up, blamed for things I didn't do, and duck taped to things (like walls, and red wagons, or skateboards, or tree houses)... All of the Sunday dinners with inappropriate conversations, and making fun of eachother until we cried from laughing... I have a million memories that will make me smile forever. I wouldn't have it any other way.

The Bad.

Dysfunctional is a normal description for 80% of families out there. Mine could be the poster family for the word. Someone is always fighting with someone else. The usual pre-holiday conversation is "So who isn't coming this year?" I understand that everyone can't agree all of the time, but let's be a little understanding and compassionate around birthdays and holidays. And maybe before jumping to conclusions we could ask questions as to avoid miscommunications. When it comes down to it, the more you fight, the more you can see just how important you are to someone.

If someone fights with you on a regular basis, or makes a big deal out of nothing, or nit picks until you're in an argument.... I'm sorry to say this but they don't really care all that much. In any relationship, be it family, friends, or loves, communication is key. If someone isn't considerate enough to make communication a priority, then they're not important enough to be any of your concern.

The Ugly.

There will always be one or two people in your family, or in any family, who have their priorities mixed up. Or maybe they're delusional, or think they're better than everyone else. Whatever the case may be, there's always someone who is the root of the problem. You can't spend your time being upset about it, or dwelling on it because it's not your fault. And no matter what you do, or what you say to them, or how many times you try to get through to them, they just wont hear it. They're not listening. And if they are, they don't hear you because they're right and you're wrong and that's just the way it is.

I haven't talked to my grandmother since I was fifteen years old. She missed my sweet 16, my graduation from high school, the start of college, and my wedding. She wasn't around for a lot of milestones in my life. And she'll never be able to fix that. Why? Because when I was fifteen I had to choose between her and my dad. What adult makes a child do that? For a long time I was hung up on it and it bothered me to the point where I'd have nightmares about it. Recently, however, I've realized that that's a waste of my time. I'm the better person here, clearly, and I can't let that hang heavy on my mind anymore.

People make mistakes, and that is their fault. If they don't want to fix it, then that's also their fault. You can't let it bother you or you'll find yourself stuck against a wall.

The Good.

In the end, you have to focus on the good. Everything else is what it is and is better just left alone.

In the end, all we have is each other, and that's enough for me.

Family quarrels are bitter things. They don't go by any rules. They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Merry Christmas Everyone.

ThirtyNine.

Life.

Have you ever wondered what you did wrong to end up in a situation that you never saw coming?

Have you ever wondered why me?

Have you ever wondered why bad things happen to good people?

I have. Pretty regularly, actually. I work in a doctors office so I see a lot of good people fighting a lot of bad things. It makes you appreciate the good things, even if they're few and far between. It breaks my heart when I see the little old couples come in, and you can tell they're so in love... but one of them isn't doing so well. (As sad as that situation is, you can't help but be jealous. I want to look at someone with that much love. You could tell that they were happy in their situation just because they were together.) One couple in their upper 70's took a trip to Italy that they've been waiting for for a long time, and the wife fell ill while she was away. Now she's in a home and in a downward spiral...

Why do those things happen at the most inconvenient moments? Not just health issues... why do you have a flat tire when you're already running late? Why does the meter run out two minutes before you get back to the car? Why does US Airways shut the door in your face when you're 10 seconds late because of THEIR connecting flight?

"It's a traffic jam when you're already late
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife..."

Do you think it's because we're being tested?

Do you think something or someone is trying to see just what exactly it takes to break us?

((I'm not necessarily saying there is a god, or that there isn't a god. I'm simply asking questions.))

I do. I think that we're given exactly what we're able to deal with. How we deal with it, however, is up to us.

I think that no matter how crappy a situation is, we're put in it for a reason. I happen to think everything happens for a reason. Everything that happens to us lands us exactly where we need to be, surrounded by who we need around us. You might not realize it right away, but when you look back on different instances in your life, you'll notice that the right people for that situation where there to help you through it.

I noticed recently that there was a shift in my friends. Most of my friends are the same as last year. Some have disappeared, some are new, but they're mostly the same. I've also noticed that the ones I needed last year aren't the ones I need right now. And the ones I need right now are always around.

We go through a lot of different things in life. A lot of it sucks, and that's just the way it is. Life sucks 90% of the time. When that other 10% comes around you really need to grab on tight and ride it out for all it's worth. After all, life isn't that long. You start dying the second you're born. That 10% comes and goes in the blink of an eye. As a matter of fact, if you blink you might even miss it. So surround yourself with people that appreciate you, and love you for who you are. Cut out those who don't realize what they've got. If they don't know how great you are now, they don't deserve to have the pleasure later. Try to live your life without the negative. I know it's hard, trust me if anyone knows it's me. Sometimes I should really take my own advice, but it's easier to give it than it is to take it.

Another piece of advice, your mother is right. No matter what she say's, she's right. As much as you don't want to hear that, or believe that, it's true. You might not get along, and she might sound repetitive at times, but it's because she knows you're not listening. More often than not, she knows you better than you know yourself and the only reason she nags and the only reason she asks you if you want her opinion, even when she knows you don't, is because she knows long before you do that you're making a mistake. I know it's easier to stick your tongue out and get it stuck to a frozen pole to see if it's true than it is to believe her when she tells you that's what will happen, but save yourself the embarrassment and just listen. She was your age once.

What I started with and what I ended with aren't really connected, and I apologize. Once I get going, it's hard to stop.

If you take anything away from this, trust me on the stuff about your mom.

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway. -- Steven Coallier

ThirtyEight.

Why do people cheat?

Is it because they're unhappy? Is it because they're unsatisfied? Do they do it for the thrill of getting away with it? I don't understand. I don't understand how you can go behind someones back, who you claim to love so much, and hurt them like that. It's not just a passing pain. It lingers. For a long time. You can forgive, but you never ever forget. Ever. You see it every time you look at that person. Sure it hurts less and less, so does any wound you keep rubbing, because it becomes numb. But you never forget it happened.
And how do you continue to stay with someone who continues to cheat on you? I can be sympathetic the first time it happens to you, and I can understand trying to work things out and giving it one more shot, but if you keep taking that person back after they continue to rip your heart out just as it starts to heal... I don't want to hear about it. At that point you're doing it to yourself and the other person knows they can get away with it without you leaving.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

"I've made mistakes in my life, I've let people take advantage of me, and I've accepted way less than I deserve. But I've learned a lot from my choices and even though there are some things I can never get back, and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve."

It's never too late to write a new ending to your story, no matter how bad the beginning may have been.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

ThirtySeven.

(September 10, 2009)

Rocks.

Being someones rock is harder than you think it is. Especially when you feel their pain. When their heart hurts, your heart hurts. When they cry, you want to, but you can't because you have to be the strong one in that relationship.

Its true that holding it together is so much harder than giving up. And when you want to give up you just have to really take a look around at all the people waiting for you to do just that, and prove them wrong. You just have to keep your chin up and keep moving on.

The road may be long, and I promise you there will be bumps, potholes, and the occasional detour, but in the end you'll be ok.

We'll be ok.

(To be continued...)

"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever."

ThirtySix.

(August 28, 2009)

Hurt.

It doesn't take much to get hurt. We're not superheros. We're not invincible. Our skin is only so thick and we can only take so much.

Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will crush the soul.

I've noticed a lot of the people around me who I care about are suffering. Some mentally, some physically, some emotionally. I want to help, but at the same time it's not my business to pry. If they want to tell me, they will. Until then I'll wait patiently to lend an ear, and arm, or a shoulder. It hurts to be helpless, even though I know that doesn't compare to the hurt I can see in their eyes.

Hurt.

Hurt can take a lifetime to heal. You don't realize it at first sometimes, but your actions can haunt you. I guess it's the same as a regret. You'll always wish you didn't do something, or maybe you wish you did. Ninety percent of regrets are about things you didn't do. Which is worse? Regrettingdoing it or regretting not knowing what it was like?

Hurt.

Everyone is dealing with something. Some show it, some don't. Some talk about it, some wont.

"Be kinder the necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

ThirtyFive.

(August 28, 2009)

Love.

Why is it so hard to let love in sometimes? Why is it so hard to let someone love you when thats all they want to do? Someone is standing in front of you, telling you how much they care about you and how they want nothing else but to just be with you, and you turn them down.

What is wrong with you?

Maybe its because you've been hurt, and you've been lied to, and you've been broken down to the core. Maybe. It could be because you've been betrayed. It could be any number of reasons.

Forget all of that.

This is a new person. This isn't the same person who tore you to shreds. It's not the same person who took you for granted and didn't appreciate you. This is someone who treats you the way you should be treated and knows what you're worth.

What is wrong with me?

ThirtyFour.

(August 10, 2009)

Drama.

People say they hate drama all of the time. Usually, the ones who make a point of saying how much they hate it are the ones that love it, live it, create it, and feed off if it. That's all well and fine. Whatever gets you through the day gets you through the day, but keep me out of it. If I clearly have nothing to do with a given situation, why is it necessary to drag me into it? I know I'm awesome, but please, give me a break. It only makes me distance myself from you and want nothing to do with you all together.

Best Friends.

I don't think the term 'Best Friend' should be taken lightly. A best friend isa best friend. It's your best friend. Maybe there are two or three, but there's certainly not 10. You know as well as I do there are one or two people you'll go to for advice or to talk to before anyone else. And you don't change best friends every time you change your underwear. Best friends are best friends for a reason. And best friends become best friends over time, not over night.

I'm not a fan of people acting like they're my best friends. My bests are set in stone. There are two of them, and I love them. If you're not sure if you're one of them, it's because you're not. And this may sound mean, but you're not going to be. Mine have that title for a reason, not just because.

I realize this post is mostly irrelevant but this issue was bothering me and writing it out makes me feel better.
This one was for me.

ThirtyThree.

(August 3, 2009)

Everyone has a breaking point.

I don't care who you are. I don't care if you're the worlds strongest man or woman. Things can pile up and eventually the last straw gets tossed on top and it does break the camels back.

When it gets to be too much you have to take a step back, breathe, and collect yourself before you completely lose it.

The best thing to do is remember it could be worse. It could always be worse. I have a hundred problems, but it could still be worse. For a while I was feeling sorry for myself and I was angry that everything was happening to me, but then I talked to a... you could call it a friend and he put things back into perspective for me. Things could be worse. I could be dead. But I'm not. I'm alive and I'm living and I have a lot of great people in my life. If I really turn around and look at my life, I have no reason not to be happy. I have a good life, and I have a lot of fun.

I have everyone and everything I could have ever asked for in my life.
What more could I need?

ThirtyTwo.

(July 31, 2009)

Here's the thing.

People are always going to have something to say so you can't take everything so seriously. Nine out of ten times they will judge you before they know anything more than your name. Let them. And then prove them wrong. Let them think the worst of you and then show them the best you've got.

Success is the best revenge, and I couldn't agree more.

Keep climbing and keep moving on and when you get to the top no one will have anything to say.


Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us. -- Thomas L. Holdcroft

ThirtyOne.

(July 27, 2009)

Live life, get your moneys worth.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of people asking me if I'm ok. Clearly, you're blind because I'm having the best time of my life. I haven't stopped for five minutes since I came home. Tonight's the first night I haven't gone out (though one of my loves came over and we had a midnight ice cream fight that nearly destroyed the kitchen. Nitro enjoyed it though =) He's about some vanilla ice cream.).

I'm also tired of people making judgments. I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to be happy. And that's my main goal right now. I keep people around me who make me laugh, who make me smile, who are my best friends, who are my allies =), who are my drinking buddies (shot for shot?), who like me the way I am. I don't need anyone else.

Life is short.
It's a bumpy road. It's never easy, and if it is, somethings wrong.
It's painful, but sometimes you need that to know you're still alive.
It's a revolving door, bringing people in and out constantly. Not everyone can stay, so let those who want to leave… go.

"Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still."
Live life, get your moneys worth.

The hourglass has been turned. Don't let your time run out before you've made the most of what you've got left.

Thirty.

(July 12, 2009)

The Book of your life.

If a book was written about you life, what section would of the book store would it be in? Would it be in comedy? Drama? Action?

I think mine would be in the fiction section because there are too many things that happen to me that people don't even believe.

The funny thing about life is that chapters are being written all of the time. You don't even realize it but new people, new experiences, new interests... they all create new chapters in your life. The minute you're born you're introduction is written.

Maybe my book would be in the comedy section. I have to step back every now and again and laugh at myself and my life if I'm ever going to find out how the story ends.

I suppose in any life, at one time or another, your book can be in any section. Life is uncontrollable, unpredictable, and unbelievable all at the same time.

In the book of life every page has two sides: we human beings fill the upper side with our plans, hopes and wishes, but providence writes on the other side, and what it ordains is seldom our goal. -- Nisami

TwentyNine.

(July 3, 2009)

Love.

Love is a weird feeling. It makes us act stupid, and say things we normally wouldn't. It makes us all a little crazy and we're all guilty of it at one time or another. I'd like to think that I was in love once, but then again, I'm not sure. I feel like when you truly fall in love, it will be everlasting. Whenever I look back on anyone I thought that I ever loved, I realize it ended for a reason and I was blinded by something that I wanted to be love.

Heartbreak.

As strange as this may sound, I think heartbreak is healthy. It teaches you lessons, shows you what to look for the next time around. And whenever you meet the right person it'll help you be more appreciative.

Jealousy.

Jealousy is an ugly thing. Instead of being jealous, you should strive towards whatever it is you're jealous of and get it for yourself. You shouldn't sit around waiting for something to come to you, or be mad at people who already have it. If I've learned anything in my life so far, it's that nothing is handed to you and if you want something, or want something done, you have to get it and/or do it yourself. Like if you're unhappy, you're the only one who can change that. If you hate your job, you're the only one who can change that. That goes for most things in your life.

Making Someone Jealous.

That's even more ugly than jealousy itself. Trying to make someone jealous for the sole purpose of hurting their feelings is horrible. Going out of your way to make someone else feel pain, and emotional pain no less, is one of the worst things you can do to a person. It'll linger every time they think of you or something that reminds them of you. And it makesyou ugly. No matter what someone does you should always try and be the bigger person. Two wrongs never make a right.

An eye for an eye only makes the whole world go blind.- Mahatma Gandhi.

TwentyEight.

(June 23, 2009)

"It gets better."

That's one of the things I hate hearing the most. Does it get better? Really? When? Do you have any idea what I need to get better? Do you even know me?

Don't tell me it gets better unless you can also provide a date and time that this will actually occur.

I like to think I'm a good person and that eventually it will get better, but I'm not holding my breath. We all know how that will end up with my luck anyway.

Pain.

Everyone feels pain. People can claim to be numb or cut off from the world, emotionless or even just not care, but they still feel pain. It's unavoidable. It's like an infection, and it has many ways to get in. Mental, Emotional, Physical.

Some people say pain is 'temporary' or 'weakness leaving the body' or pain can 'be replaced by other emotions'.

What do you tell one of the strongest people you've ever met while they're morning the loss of their wife? 'It gets better', 'It'll make you stronger', and 'Find something to take your mind off of it' aren't things that come to mind.

Seeing someone cry for the first time, when you thought they were almost incapable of tears is heartbreaking.

I think, if I had to choose, I'd want physical pain over any other kind. Emotional pain just cuts away at you until you can't take it. Like being cheated on or some other traumatic experience like rape. No matter what you do you'll always remember what happened to you, even when you learn to control the thoughts and the time travel your mind creates. They don't call it 'scarred for life' for no reason.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. -- Buddha

TwentySeven.

(June 12, 2009)

Change is good.

Sometimes.

I've changed, and I've never felt better.

I can't tell you the exact time, date, or place that it happened... but it happened.

I've let go of a lot of things that bothered me. One day they just stopped affecting me. And my priorities rearranged. I used to put other people first, but now it's about me, and what I want. I do what I want, when I want, and I don't have to ask or tell anyone about it. I'm always having a good time, and for a long time I didn't know what that was like. I felt suffocated and I was miserable. Now I can breathe and it feels amazing. I can finally fulfill my dreams instead of living in the shadow of someone else's. I can make my own decisions instead of always having to compromise for someone else. I come first now, when I never did. If I'd have known I was missing out on living my own life a few years ago, I'd have done this sooner. I guess love really does blind you. Then you wake up five years later and you realize how much time you wasted trying to please someone else who in retrospect, you could never please. Once you get passed the fact that you have to start over, life really is great. I love my friends and my family and I love New York more than I ever did. North Carolina really shows you how any other state is more civilized. And it's true, you don't like Long Island until you're taken away from it. Being away makes you appreciate the little things, like people knowing how speak at a normal speed, or highways with more than one lane. Even a supermarket within 20 minutes is a plus.

Aside from all that, since I've been home it's been one obstacle after another. You fix one thing, and something else breaks. You pay off one bill, and then another one comes in the mail. The good thing is I'm 50% debt free which is a huge accomplishment for me. I'm getting my shit together and getting my life on track. I plan on going back to school in the fall too. I'm even excited about that which it not my style at all.

All in all, life is good. Great even. I couldn't ask for anything more than what I've been given.

In the end, everything really is ok.

TwentySix.

(June 1, 2009)

Today was thoroughly annoying.

I'm sick, still. I started getting sick the day after Boardy Barn, which was the 24th. Apparently, alcohol did not kill whatever germ I had in my system because we all know I drank enough that day. First, the doctor told me it was allergies and to take some nasal spray that made me gag when it dripped down the back of my throat. That was Tuesday. On Thursday she decided, after I begged, to give me a Z-pack (azithromycin). Over the weekend I went deaf in one ear and developed a horrible earache. Today I went into work again and told the other doctor I needed something stronger. He took a look in my ear and told me I had a terrible ear infection. No kidding.

At work we're one person short because someone quit. That means there's just me, Pat, and Diane. Pat only knows the front desk so she can't cover for me. I can do the front desk, but like I said no one can cover my desk. Diane is the office manager and thought it would be a good idea to go to Florida the first week we're short staffed, and the first week the doctor is back in the office from his vacation. She gets to go on a vacation and Pat and I get to work 6 days a week?

There's a drug addict that keeps bothering us at the office. He came in as a new patient last week complaining of back pain. The doctor gave him pain meds, which she shouldn't have done since he was a new patient, but whatever. Today I got a call from a doctors office down the street where he was trying to get more pain medicine. I told him we just gave him a script and they sent him packing. What does he do? He came back to our office with some lame story about how his luggage got stolen and his meds were in there. He lied right to our faces. I told him there was nothing I could do for him because the doctor in our office who initially saw him wasn't in, so we get to deal with that in the morning. Awesome.

The only good part of the day was when the doctor pulled me aside and told me I was part of the team, he thought I was funny, he liked working with me, and I'm getting a raise.

Not five seconds later I walked into the wall because my equilibrium is off due to this wonderful ear infection.